Knowing me, knowing you
by Scout Harper
Summary: Could friendship evolve into love? SLASH - Sirius BlackRemus Lupin
1. 1 am

  
  


**1 a.m. at Remus' house**   
  
He wanted to know what it was about Amanda that made me want to marry her.

I was a little annoyed at the question at first, but I wasn't quite sure as to why.

It was a perfectly normal thing to ask a friend, wasn't it?

After all, Sirius, James, and me had been friends for ages. Practically all of our lives. 

At least the parts of our life we could remember.

  


I remembered when I first came to Hogwarts, seeing that darkhaired boy on the train,

and then another one beside him, with glasses. 

I sort of wondered then if we were going to be friends. I liked the look of them.

But I didn't know then what kind of friends we were to become.

This friendshsip had lasted all through our schoolyears, graduation, our very first jobs... everything.

  
And yet I felt strange somehow about answering this one question he had asked me. 

_Why?_

  
I kept repeating this question in my head for several sleepless nights in a row, 

until I finally thought I had found the answer.

But the answer seemed to puzzle me even more than the question had.  
It created a whole new range of questions, seemingly without any sensible answers.  


Had I really been in love with this person, one of my best friends, for all this time?  
Well, there had been times when... 

I had already accepted that Sirius was slightly more than just a friend to me. 

Not in the romantic sense, no, at least I hadn't admitted _that_ to myself.  
But, I did have an even stronger bond with him than with any of my other friends, even James.  
I was quite certain he felt it too, but, could there have been even more from his side?  
Had he meant something with that question, that I hadn't fully understood until now?  


I don't know what posessed me, but I felt I must have the answer soon... at once, in fact.  
I was getting married in a few weeks, and now this had hit me like a ton of bricks. 

_What the hell was I supposed to do?_

  


Just ignore it and go on with my life - never asking and never knowing, for sure? 

No, I had to know, even if I was going to embarass myself,

and the man who was supposed to be best man at my wedding.

I had to do it, I had to know if he loved me.

But then, if he said no, 

and I had been quite prepared to leave Amanda for him, 

then where would that leave her and I? 

There couldn't be a wedding now anyhow, I supposed.  
If I was so seriously questioning our whole relationship because of this 

(somewhat silly and far-fetched) notion,  
than how could there be anything for us, beyond this?  


  
  



	2. 3 am

  
  
**3 a.m. at Sirius' house**   
  
"Well, I don't know... We've been friends for so long that it seems silly to try and get to know eachother... again. But, then, what else is there left for us to do? I mean... do you think we should - date? Or... should we just leave it, and hope it goes away? No, that would mean we couldn't see eachother. And since we work together... that would be kind of difficult. Unless one of us should quit of course. But I don't want to quit my job, do you? And what about James, and..."  
"Remus, you're rambling. Since we already know eachother - obviously - and dating therefore would be pretty weird, I guess... we should just do what feels right. Whatever seems, oh, I don't know, natural."  
"So, what exactly does that mean?"  
"Well, what comes to mind?"  
"I'm not so sure what I'm thinking of would seem _natural_, after so many years of friendship." He laughed a little.  
"At least I don't think almost twenty years of friendship is usually celebrated by shagging."  
"No, maybe not. But there are exceptions to every rule, right?" There was a glint of... something, in Sirius' eyes.  
"Right. But we should probably..."  
Whatever he was about to say seemed pointless as Sirius put his bare arms around his waist, just holding him like that for a little while.  
"So, how does this feel?"  
"Mm... Good, I suppose." he managed to get out, even though his breathing was trying to keep up with his thumping heart.  
"Cause you know, I can barely hear myself talking what with the sound of my heart hammering away inside my chest.. and yours is doing the same, if I'm not mistaken."  
"Seems to be. It wont listen to reason."  
"That sounds a little like someone I used to know at Hogwarts... in fact, he's here with me right now."  
Remus could feel Sirius smile against his neck - it sent shivers down his spine, and several parts of him suddenly seemed unbearably hot.  
"So... what should we do now?" He had to say, or do, something, to relieve his nervousness.  
Sirius laughed. "I haven't quite planned it all out yet, so why don't you make a suggestion?"  
"You laugh sends pleasant shivers down my spine... somehow I've never quite noticed that before."  
"Well... saying your name out loud makes me... I don't know, happy. Horny is another word you could use, but I tried not to. I tried to be tactful."  
There was the pleasant laugh again.  
"Don't bother. I'd prefer hearing you say the word "horny" over tact anyday."  
"I thought so." By now they both felt rather more comfortable with eachother again, but the question of what was going to happen next still remained.  
  
"Do you... I mean, would it be terribly wrong for me to ask you to come back to bed with me? Just sleeping. No pressure, I mean."  
"I guess we still need to get up for work tommorow, so we might as well. And your place is actually closer to the Ministry than mine."  
"Good. Then it's settled. Follow me. You already know where it is though, don't you?"  
"Yes. But I've never actually been _in_ the bed."  
"Not counting the time you passed out there completely pissed, then?"  
"No, I've been trying to forget about that. And I'd just about managed to, you know."  
"Sorry. But you know, I was up all night watching you. So you wouldn't throw up, and... well, not just because of that."  
Was that a slight blush creeping up his cheeks? No, couldn't be. Sirius never blushed.  
"Hmm... I guess we don't know eachother quite as well as we thought."  
"No. And I've never seen you naked either."  
Remus looked shocked. "Well, you're not about to...!"  
"With some of your clothes off then."  
"Sure you have... Quidditch or something like that?"  
"Yeah, maybe. I suppose. But we were both kids then. Well, I'm already... pretty much undressed, so... "  
"You still have that shirt on."  
"I sleep in it."  
"Oh, alright then, so that only leaves me." He unbuttoned his shirt quite slowly, and all the while he could see Sirius looking straight at him.  
'I almost forgot, he's not so shy, is he?' Remus finished by pulling his trousers off and leaving them in a heap on the floor. "There. That's how I usually do it at home, so..." Sirius was already lying on his side of the bed and held the covers up for Remus to climb into the bed.  
"You..."  
"What? Go on, tell me."  
"I think you're beautiful, that's all. All of you. I mean, I have noticed before, but... not like this."  
Remus felt himself blushing from the tips of his toes right up to the root of his hair.  
The way Sirius could just say something like that and make it seem so real, so natural, so...  
like it didn't bother him at all, that he had just seen his best friend almost naked and felt the need to compliment him on his body.  
"Well, I hardly need to tell you what you look like. You already know. Half the girls... and boys, for all I know, were after you at Hogwarts."  
Sirius laughed dismissively.  
"That was years ago. And besides, what did it matter if I didn't really care for a single one of them?  
I didn't, as you well know. There wasn't one steady girlfriend... or boyfriend, during all of those years. And there hasn't really been one since, to be honest."  
"So you're basically a virgin, then? In the relationship sense?"  
"Virgin, me? I'm not used to hearing those two words combined, but when you put it like that - yes.  
It makes me feel old and stupid. What have I been doing all of this time, really? If work doesn't count, I mean."  
"You've been with friends. That's good enough, I suppose. You've been fighting against the Dark Forces - I wouldn't exactly call that nothing.  
And it's just not 'work'. It can't be. Not to anyone. And especially not to someone like you.  
You have a conscience, Sirius, and you care about other people's happiness. That's more than you can say for most. At least that's what I think."  
"It means the world to me, Moony, what you think. It always has, even when perhaps it didn't seem like it. The truth is I want you to approve of the things I do.  
Otherwise... it doesn't mean a whole lot to me, you know. But I know I've done some childish, thoughtless things, even so."  
"We all have. Don't worry, Sirius. You're the best person I know and ever will know, in this life, at least. And I don't believe in an afterlife, or anything of the sort."  
  
"Can I touch you...? I want to so badly, you know." Sirius was leaning over Remus slightly, and in answer to the fairhaired man's nod, he placed a hand on his chest, right over where he could feel Remus' heart beating wildly.  
_He wants me_, was all he could think, before having to use the last of his restraint to stop himself from pouncing on him.  
Instead, he ran his hand lazily up and down and around Remus' chest, both pair of eyes following the movements of his hand. Finally, Remus grabbed his wrist gently, and whispered, "Stop that, unless you want this to go further."  
"I do." Sirius' voice was raspy, like he hadn't used it for a long time, and wasn't quite sure how to form the words anymore.  
"I want it to go as far as it can possibly go, and I wont have any regrets. How about you?"  
He already knew the answer to that question.  
"Then take off your shirt." It was almost delivered as a command, simple and to the point. Sirius complied, and they both just lay looking at eachother for a moment.  
"Tell me... tell me what you think, even though I'm supposed to know what I look like to you."  
"You're flawless. There's nothing else to say."  
"Describe what I look like, then... just... objectively."  
"That's impossible. I love you, and I can't and wont be objective when it comes to you. I'm on your side, always.  
And even when you're old and grey, or sick, or hurt, or angry, I'll always want to take you in my arms and kiss you.  
It's that simple, really. But more to the point, you have lovely dark hair, that falls down over your perfectly shaped dark almond eyes, and whenever I look into them I feel like the weights of the world have been lifted off my shoulders.  
Your nose is the most beautiful nose anyone could ever see, and then there's your mouth... that just makes me want to kiss you until your lips are red and swollen, and your face is flushed with every possible emotion.  
And as for the rest of you... if you'll let me, I'll spend the rest of the night and every other night exploring it to my heart's content."  
  



	3. 9 am

**9 a.m. (still at Sirius' house)**

"Unnggh... what time is it? Sirius?"   
"Take it easy. I called the Ministry and told them we were both sick. In fact, to make it more belivable, I said whatever it was, we had probably 'given it to eachother'."   
"Great... In that voice?"   
"Sure. Why not?"   
"I'm sorry to say this, love, but I feel hungover. We didn't drink anything last night, did we?"   
"No. Is this supposed to be some sort of complaint regarding my lovemaking skills?"   
"No, no, not all... is that piercing sound the teapot, by any chance?"   
"Yeees... Do you want some? Tea, I mean."   
"Please."   
Sirius entered the bedroom, and handed Remus a cup of steaming hot tea.   
"Here it is, and with a smile to go with it. Hey, what's wrong? You're not..."   
Sirius crept back into bed, next to him. Remus was just about to empty the teacup, when it suddenly hit him like someone had punched him in the stomach - maybe Sirius thought he was   
having seconds thoughts. "Oh, Sirius, please, I'm sorry, I'm just a little tired -   
I'm sorry if you thought I... had any regrets. Last night was truely the best thing that's ever happened to me.   
I mean it. If there's one thing I'll never regret, it's coming over here last night.   
And I don't regret what you did to me, or what I did to you... In fact, I'd want   
to repeat last night here and now, if there wasn't for this one thing..."   
"What?"   
"Hrm... I hate to bring this up right now, but I'm afraid it's unavoidable.   
And I...have to take some responsibility. I owe it to you... and to her."   
"Amanda?"   
"Yeah." He covered his eyes with his free hand.   
"Yes, well, I suppose it's something you're going to have to deal with, sooner or later.   
I'll help you. I mean, I'll support you. If I can."   
"Of course you can. But I have to go have this talk with her now,   
and that will have to be just between the two of us, I'm afraid. I don't know how she'll react.   
I suppose we weren't really in love with eachother, after all.   
I mean, I know this is my fault, but still, I wonder if this wedding wasn't just a way out for the both of us.   
I was running... from you, I think. And she, well, her parents and her friends were waiting for her to get married.   
So she will be angry - yes. But at the end of the day, I don't think she will be as much hurt as angry -   
mainly because she wont know what to tell her parents and her friends. But that's not the same though, is it?"   
"No, it's not. As much as I can understand anyone being in love with you, I don't think she is.   
Because I know what it's like, and that's not how I would react if you left me...   
It sounds more to me like two friends getting married, because it suited their needs, at the time.   
Not that there has to be anything wrong with that. But..."   
"But now I'm in love with you. At least now I'm aware of it, and I guess I wasn't before,   
because then this thing with Amanda would never have happened in the first place.   
I have to go." He put his teacup down on the nightstand, and got dressed, in quite a hurry.   
"Bye." Sirius was still sitting in bed, hugging his knees.   
"Bye." Remus features softened a little, and he smiled. "I'll try to get hold of her at work, probably.   
I'll see you later, if that's okay?"   
"Yeah. I'll be waiting." He managed a weak smile. 'They may not be in love, but there's still something there', he thought.   
He heard the door slam as Remus left the apartment.


End file.
